Much Rather Be a Teddy Than a Polar Bear This Season

You know what? I'm getting tired of talking about how much I walked or worked out in this blog, and I'm pretty sure you are, too (all five of you intermittent Big Bear Blog readers). So we'll get that out of the way first and move on to other things. Went to the gym Saturday (December 5) because that's when I felt like going this week, worked out my chest, back, shoulders and arms in that order, stepped on the scale and was not surprised to see I'd gained four pounds (now weigh 337). After Thanksgiving and the days that followed, I earned every pound I gained. I took a hiatus from night walks, going to the gym and better food choices and enjoyed myself some fried chicken, chocolate chip muffin tops, honey BBQ Fritos, BBQ potato chips, etc, etc. I thoroughly enjoyed them, too.

But the other day as I sat here writing this blog during lunch, my belt was on its last notch, my pants felt a bit tight in the thighs and I starting to consider that it's time again to start having wheat bagels for breakfast instead of muffins and plain sliced chicken instead of fried. And although I would rather go home, climb into bed and under the covers with my familiars and watch TV until I fall asleep, that would setting a poor precedent. Besides, I've done plenty of that over the past week and a half already and if I let myself, I can very easily slip right back up to 378 (or more) by Spring and I don't want to do that.

It's easier to get out of bed in the morning and go for a walk because all of my defenses and excuses aren't awake yet, but in the evening, there's plenty of "reasons" for me not to set foot back out the door once I've gotten home. It's much easier to lie in bed like a Teddy Bear and be all warm and cuddly, but since I'd prefer to do that with my Bear partner who lives several states away and we won't be vacationing together for awhile, instead I'll brave the cold for a walk and drive to a much warmer gym and be a good Polar bear. Not to be confused with Bi-Polar Bear, by the way (which, depending on who you talk to in the Community, could either be a Bear who's manic-depressive or an older bisexual Bear with graying to white hair! You know, like Santa! (The latter, not the former; remember, he's a jolly ol' elf, and a big ol' Bear to boot.)

Meanwhile, I have managed to steer clear of Christmas cheer for the most part this Yuletide season. Yes, my mother did drag me to see Disney's A Christmas Carol and despite my aversion to most things Jim Carrey (I prefer his serious films like The Majestic and The Truman Show to his slapstick schmuckery), his voice was tolerable, I enjoyed the new 3-D effects and the Ghost of Christmas Present, although clearly in a manic phase, was a Bear showing an abundance of thick and curly chest hair through the front of his festive frockery, assuring me there were some Bears on the animation team much as they were on The Lion King (according to the "making-of" documentary I saw on HBO once).

However, the movie lost me when the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (for which Carrey was credited although the Ghost only pointed and never spoke a word!) pointlessly chased Scrooge through the streets of London in a carriage, shrunk him with a magical whip crack so he went gliding down a pipe and then got stuck in the ring of a bed curtain his maid stole from him after his death (even though he had been incorporeal throughout his other visitations). It was all downhill from there; too much disbelief to suspend, and the ending echoed my father's annual sentiment that Christmas is all about commercialism, which is just fine with Pagans like me who don't want to keep Christmas in our hearts all year long. Besides, as I annually tell my sister who believes I became a Witch just to get Yule and Christmas presents (sure, I get Yule presents...on Christmas morning!), all the secular holiday traditions from trimming the Christmas tree to hiding Easter eggs are Pagan in origin.

Speaking of carols that have little to do with Christmas, I did try an alternative to traditional carols I learned of from one of my favorite authors, Laurell K. Hamilton, called "A Very Scary Solstice" from the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, and although I did enjoy The Carol of the Olde Ones, it was still a carol, however feral.

The closest I felt for any song this season was Josh Groban's version of "O Holy Night." Mr. Groban's exceptionally beautiful voice had me tearing up in my car one morning and with a little reworking of the lyrics ("in sin and error pining", for example), the song could very well be about the birth of the Sun God (when you're in the minority, sometimes you have to rework things in your own image or you feel left out in the cold.)

I do have some things to be grateful for this Yule besides spending the holiday with my family and welcoming the lengthening days in the New Year (and decade) to come. Although my present temporary position is coming to an end this coming Friday since the University I work for has hired one of their employees to replace me per their policy, the woman who moved forward from this position has another temporary position available while one of her workers will be on maternity leave, and after two weeks of vacation (collecting unemployement), I will begin another six-month position with the Office of Education in the New Year! YAY!

So I will continue to try and balance my eating with exercise (by the weigh, still on a plateau of 337 as of 12/10), enjoy my unemployment and employment and surf the Yuletide through a sea of Christmas. And if it all gets to be too much, screw it; I'll just take a long winter's nap! Happy holidays to all, and to all a good night, woof, and blessed be.

Thursday Night Weigh-In (11/12): Honesty Is the Bear's Policy

Hello, gentle readers (all five of you, I think). Sorry the blog entries are coming a bit late these days, but everything seems to be slowing down in Nature and nurture. After last Saturday's weigh-in, I gave it the ol' college try (which is appropriate since I'm working for one right now as a "casual employee" - that's TEMP to you non-PC folks out there) in getting back into my exercise routine. Saturday was the first of six days straight of going to the gym for alternating upper body/leg and stomach circuits and doing a full (3.5 mile) walk each day (except the night of the weigh-in; it was COLD out there!).

I stepped on the scale that blustery Thursday night and two more pounds were waiting for me for a not-so-grand total of 335. That's 11 pounds up from my lowest weigh-in to date of 324 pounds on October 15, and as that is a pound more than the ten-pound range I wanted to stay in after I got to maintenance at 300 pounds, which I'm moving farther away from by the week, it's time to reevaluate.

Yes, I was going through a difficult time of transition leaving a job and assimilating a new one, but it's been a month and the wheels have fallen off that excuse. Yes, the fall is upon us and it's colder and darker earlier outside now which makes it harder to get out of a warm bed to go for a walk in the morning or find the energy (much less the side of the track!) at night to go walking or work out at the gym afterwards, but look where the alternative is getting me?

There's a big difference between consciously putting your brain in a jar in order not to overwhelm yourself and to take one step at a time to reach your goals and unconsciously leaving your brain in that jar until Spring. Although I'm a Bear, I've already stated in "A Time for Balance" here that I don't have the luxury of hibernation this time of year and even though I may feel SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because of it, that doesn't mean I can't walk twice a day, work out at night and put the ice cream away once I've eaten my designated half-carton rather than putting it ALL away in my stomach (which I've done a few times as of late, and before you jump all over me for eating THAT MUCH ICE CREAM before going to bed, it's sugar free, low-calorie, and I was still losing weight eating it when I was doing right by myself before and I will again).

I was going to skip blogging about this weigh-in since I'd already 'fessed up about Saturday's weight gain and hoped that walking, working out and watching what I was eating this week would make a difference and put me at a plateau when I weigh in tomorrow. But that would be more "cheating," and if I can't be honest with myself, I shouldn't even be writing this blog because sharing my struggles and successes with like-minded people for mutual support and enjoyment was the impetus for blogging in the first place, and although I like to joke about hibernation, I've kept myself asleep in the dark long enough.

So, time (if not light) permitting, I'm back to walking five miles a day (a half-walk's all my sleep and work schedule allow me in the morning), going to the gym six times a week (Fridays off for good behavior), and if I fall asleep before my evening snack like I did last night, all the better for tomorrow's weigh-in. Now, where are those resolutions I wrote a couple months ago for surviving the darker, colder months? There they are...

Saturday Night Weigh-In: Getting my Bearings (Two Weeks and Two Days Later)

Hello, gentle readers. It's a little after 11 pm here on Monday night so I'm even starting this blog entry two days later than its title, but I haven't blogged in awhile and wanted to give a brief synopsis of recent events leading to my most recent weigh-in (yes, two weeks and days late). When we last left the Big Bear, he was trying his best to maintain his sanity rather than weight loss and workout routines in struggling to finish his remaining duties before leaving his current place of employment. The day after my last weekly weigh-in of 329 pounds, when I found five of the six pounds I previously lost, I came home to find a voicemail from a staffing service asking if I was available for a senior level executive assistant position with a local university, but it was too late to respond that day. After enjoying a Halloween-themed baby shower on Saturday for the pregnant blogger who inspired me to start this blog and seeing Paranormal Activity (the movie; not actual activity) on Sunday, I returned their call on Monday, was told someone was being sent out on Tuesday and if she didn't work out, I would still be considered for the position.

Upon calling back Wednesday, they needed me to start tomorrow. This left me in the rather awkward position of having to explain to the four women in my department during my farewell lunch that not only would I have to leave two days early to start my new job, I also had to leave early two hours after said lunch for my last doctor's appointment covered by health insurance scheduled to lapse on Halloween! I had a delicious BBQ rib and chicken combo plate, received a card and gift card to Barnes and Noble, made the announcement which was thankfully accepted with kindness and understanding, did my best to straighten up my desk and affairs before leaving at 3:30, and got a clean bill of health from my doctor: blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol were great, keep up the good work and see you in four months, hopefully with renewed insurance. I went home, climbed into bed and slept in prep for the next day.

First. Days. SUCK! I took notes and tried to comprehend my new duties because my supervisor would be out the next day and starting her new position elsewhere on Monday, and after struggling with all this new input, I went home, ate dinner and embraced the oblivion of sleep. I welcomed the weekend with open arms, getting some new books and having a celebratory dinner with a good friend on Friday, having lunch with my mom and taking her to see Paranormal Activity on Saturday afternoon (glad I'd seen it already because she became nauseous a half-hour in due to the jerky camera movements and we left), and going to the home of a co-worker (who opted for early retirement and left a week earlier than me) to celebrate Halloween. She is an excellent cook: the fondue with Texas toast for dipping, pork tenderloin and potatoes she prepared were delicious and the candy was as good to me as it was to the trick-or-treaters. I opted not to celebrate the Witches' sabbat of Samhain and ring in the Celtic New Year this time, but I had a great time with my two friends and went to bed after the witching hour that night with a smile on my face.

After an extra hour of sleep on Sunday, I traveled to Queens for a meeting of the Bear Den, a social group for Bears that I've attended since its inception this April. I dressed up as a pirate as I was one in a previous incarnation according to one of my past life regressions. I don't think I quite looked like this back on the Barbary coast, but I felt good about my choice of costume:

Blackbear(d) the Pirate

Pirate's Booty (Bear Head and Crossbones! Grrr! Aargh!)

After the Den, I piled three other Bears into my car and headed over to the Eagle, a revered leather bar in Manhattan, for an evening with the BigMuscleBears (a website for, you guessed it, big muscle Bears who like to add stats like arm and chest width to their profiles). I spent $2 checking my leather jacket, $5 on a diet coke and stood around with said friends for two hours chatting, Bearwatching and actually feeling comfortable for the first time ever in a gay bar until a really cool cloud of white smoke came billowing from the DJ's booth that soon made it hard to breathe, stung the tongue to taste and effectively cleared the room! I took this as a good sign to drive the two hours home and get some sleep, a melancholy return to the Real World after a fun weekend or vacation that I forlornly call "falling back up the rabbit hole."

The next work week was daunting. I received a campus ID but as a "casual employee" (temp) I am unable to use it to enter the building I work in; missed the timesheet deadline by a day and therefore won't receive my first check by mail until this Saturday (hopefully); and was unable to find free parking anywhere. When I tried to work with the Parking Department to get a permit and have the fees deducted from my pay on a sliding scale, the staffing service wouldn't agree to it so I am partially working to just afford to park at work. During a meeting with an IT technician, my supervisor also made it clear that he wanted my computer configured so that I, who was there to "help out for a couple of weeks," and whoever will replace me will be able to use the computer for their clerkship. All week I did my job, went home, had a nice meal, put my brain in a jar to relax until the next day, enjoyed a bit more ice cream at night than usual, got plenty of rest and left my exercise and eating habits on hold for awhile.

When this weekend arrived and I had no plans, I knew it was time to get back on track, which was where I was thinking about this latest blog entry during my second full walk on Saturday right before going to the gym for my workout and weigh-in. I originally thought about "getting back on the horse," but a memory made that analogy rather inappropriate. During my orientation week for college in 1988, us new students were invited to a local resort for a meet and greet picnic complete with swimming pools, group games and horseback riding. For reasons still fresh from high school (see my "Fitting In at Planet Fitness" entry for more details), I opted for the latter of the three, but much like seats in theatres and on certain amusement park rides, there is an element of risk in attempting to enjoy such things and discovering you don't quite fit and I was told in no uncertain terms by the horse wrangler that I would not be saddling up that day. So instead of getting back on the horse, I am getting my bearings; much more apropos for a blog such as this.

After walking seven miles and doing a full upper body circuit, I stepped on the scale and faced the music. 333 pounds, people. Gained four pounds over the past two weeks, about two pounds a week, and I now weigh one pound more than I did when I started this blog. I gave myself a vacation from exercising and eating less for a couple of weeks as part of having fun during a time of great stress, gained about two pounds a week (which is generally what physicians recommend you lose a week), and as of the end of this blog entry I have done at least a full walk and a circuit at the gym every day since Saturday and will resume my Thursday weigh-ins this week. Since my new job feels more manageable now, it's time to get back to the Good Work I've been doing for myself, and even though I'm not a big muscle Bear (yet) and don't feel the need to go horseback riding again anytime soon, I think my Bear butt looked pretty darn good in those boxers!

Thursday Night Weigh-In: The Scale Taketh Away, The Scale Giveth Back

Hello, gentle readers. Drove to the gym last night through the first very light snow flurry of the season. Did a half-walk (1.75 miles) on the treadmill and a full upper body circuit, then stepped on the scale. The teeter tottered again this week and I found five of the six pounds I lost last week: I now weigh 329 pounds. I was just as incredulous with the big gain this week as I was with the big loss last week.

It has been a rough week and things won't get easier until the end of the month. At work, I chose to enter into an "agreed transition plan" with my supervisor because I've been overwhelmed for quite some time pulling double duty as an estates administrator and executive assistant for four people in my office, so my last day of employment is October 30. There have been many other layoffs, tension is in the air, I'm forcing myself to work on estates and tie up loose ends when part of me has already left the building, and I want to surrender it all but I have two weeks left to go. I felt physically drained a couple of nights this week like I was fighting off possible illness, so I gave myself a couple of nights off from walking and the gym to "feed a cold" and get some good nights' sleep.

I'll do my best to keep my walking and exercise routine going in order to fight stress and make my way towards the finish line, and by Halloween I will finally have the freedom to walk and work out as well as job search and interview in hopes of finding a great new job. And, if I have to move back in with my parents for awhile due to my unemployment, the gym is in walking distance!

Good Night, Woof, and Blessed Be.

Thursday Night Weigh-In Headline: Zombie Gains Two Pounds!

Hello, gentle reader. Did a full walk in full dark last night with the moonlight to guide me. As I was rather tired, had nothing to read and put my brain in a jar, the only thing animated about me was my legs. My eyes were half-closed, my head thrown back and supported only by my neck, my arms hung at their sides and I shambled down the path and back like a zombie (apropos of the season). I woke up in time to work on my legs and stomach at the gym, then kicked off my sneakers, stepped on the scale and saw that I found two of the three pounds I lost last week and am back to 330 pounds.

Aw shucks. These things happen. Not happy about it, but not devastated either. I just reminded myself that when I maintain my weight loss later on, I'm going to fluctuate by a few pounds. I enjoyed more food than usual this past week and skipped a couple of leg and stomach circuits at the gym, so rather than beat myself up about it, I'll just stay with my routine and go the distance.

I realized something about zombies tonight. Although the walking dead could care less about diet and exercise, they do get cardio shambling after their victims and plenty of protein. Hmm.

Good night, Woof, and Blessed Be.