Thursday Night Weigh-In (11/19): All Work and No Play Makes John a Dull Bear

Hello, gentle readers. Let's get right to it, shall we? As of this past Monday (minus a half-walk that morning), I walked 18 1/2 miles, ate properly, went to the gym every night and only ate half the carton of ice cream afterwards. After Thursday night's workout, I kicked off my sneakers (which weigh about 2 1/2 pounds themselves) and stepped onto a plateau (I mean, the scale). 335 pounds like last week. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Good enough.

The bad part hit while I was driving from the gym to the supermarket. I started thinking: what more can I do to start losing weight again? Could I get up even earlier in the morning and do two full walks a day again? Cut back even more on my eating? Keep a food journal? And as all of these thoughts raced through my mind, I was brought back to my immediate surroundings when I realized I'd pulled into the wrong lane to go to the wrong supermarket (I needed to get gas at the other one).

Later that evening, after literally coming back to my senses after a well-balanced dinner of chicken breast and egg noodles with gravy and some Brussels sprouts, I took a moment to reflect on my perceived lack of progress and resulting frantic thoughts to how to redouble my efforts. I though about what a rigorous routine I'd already set for myself over the past seven months that's kept me moving from about 6:30 in the morning to 9 at night five days a week, walking 5-7 miles a day and alternately working out 45 minutes to an hour and a half where the only variation besides skipping the gym Friday nights was going there in the mornings on the weekends after a full walk and occasionally skipping the night walk to rest after doing my laundry or to have some semblance of a social life.

And now, as Winter is on its way and people are preparing to enjoy the holiday season, just as our pagan ancestors celebrated at Yule (Winter Solstice) the Earth Mother's rebirth of the Sun God at Yule to keep the darkness and loneliness of the fallow months at bay as they rested from their labors, after all the hard work and commitment I've put into making myself more attractive, healthier and stronger, I chose to ask myself a very important question that required several answers: WHAT MORE CAN I DO?

Q: WHAT MORE CAN I DO regarding exercise?

A: Absolutely nothing. I'm doing too much as it is. Besides working full-time, exercise presently eats up 3-4 hours of my weekdays with walking, working out and driving to and from the gym. While I am okay with that to some degree, it only leaves me about two hours in the evening to eat and relax before I go to sleep to start the process all over the next day, and there is no way in Hades I'm going to lose an extra hour of sleep or risk being late for work in the morning to fit in another full walk.

Q. WHAT MORE CAN I DO regarding eating?

A. Absolutely nothing. Why would I start cutting back on food when I feel physically hungrier this time of year? I could see some cause for alarm if I was bingeing and staying sedentary, but I'm not. I'm still walking morning and evening and working my muscles, but I actually need some energy to keep moving and that's where the food comes in. Food journal? Yeah, let's add one more thing to my busy schedule that I need to micromanage. That can go to Hades with that other hour of sleep I won't be missing in the mornings.

Q. WHAT MORE CAN I DO to keep moving forward with my weight loss efforts?

A: Less. The more I can do for myself is LESS. Crazy, huh? Amazing what pops up in your mind when you actually take a moment to listen. I've been pushing myself to reach weight loss goals, increase weight and repetitions on my workouts and stick to a food plan of my own creation that helped me lose weight until my struggles began this Fall. The struggle to get through the last weeks of a job that was no longer good for me. The struggle to assimilate a new job that won't last. Most importantly, the struggle to keep my Summer self as Winter approaches, and it's that last struggle that finally woke me up just as many other people are starting to fall asleep.

I'm a Bear, people. I'm not supposed to eat like a Bird or run perpetually on a wheel like a Hamster. On the one paw, I have a partner who loves me very much and several Bear friends who think I look great just the way I am, don't quite understand why I'm putting forth all this effort and kinda hope I don't lose too much weight, but support me anyway. On the other paw, I have a few friends who think the whole Bear thing is cute like my other idiosyncracies and have patted me on the back for my successes in losing weight but don't quite quite agree with how I'm going about all of this or understand why I only want to get to 300 pounds and seem a little worried I'll fall off the wagon and gain it all back plus, but support me anyway. I have to take or leave what they say on a regular basis because when it comes right down to it, I'm the one walking or working out alone, and I'm the one who decides whether he's putting the rest of the ice cream back in the fridge at night. I'm doing or not doing all of this by myself, for myself.

I have no plans of hibernating through Winter or quitting cold turkey (mmm, cold turkey). Thanksgiving's two days away, and I'm looking forward to sitting down with my family and having a great meal after I've walked, worked out and weighed-in at the gym (which is graciously open until noon). I will walk when I can, lift weights when the roads are clear to the gym and eat sensible meals in between festive occasions.

Desiderata, one of my favorite poems, says this among many other wonderful things: "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself." I need to remember that there's a mind and spirit inside this body too, and since there's a lot more to me than just a big Bear trying to lose weight, this blog's gonna change right along with me. Stay tuned...

Good night, woof, and blessed be.

Thursday Night Weigh-In (11/12): Honesty Is the Bear's Policy

Hello, gentle readers (all five of you, I think). Sorry the blog entries are coming a bit late these days, but everything seems to be slowing down in Nature and nurture. After last Saturday's weigh-in, I gave it the ol' college try (which is appropriate since I'm working for one right now as a "casual employee" - that's TEMP to you non-PC folks out there) in getting back into my exercise routine. Saturday was the first of six days straight of going to the gym for alternating upper body/leg and stomach circuits and doing a full (3.5 mile) walk each day (except the night of the weigh-in; it was COLD out there!).

I stepped on the scale that blustery Thursday night and two more pounds were waiting for me for a not-so-grand total of 335. That's 11 pounds up from my lowest weigh-in to date of 324 pounds on October 15, and as that is a pound more than the ten-pound range I wanted to stay in after I got to maintenance at 300 pounds, which I'm moving farther away from by the week, it's time to reevaluate.

Yes, I was going through a difficult time of transition leaving a job and assimilating a new one, but it's been a month and the wheels have fallen off that excuse. Yes, the fall is upon us and it's colder and darker earlier outside now which makes it harder to get out of a warm bed to go for a walk in the morning or find the energy (much less the side of the track!) at night to go walking or work out at the gym afterwards, but look where the alternative is getting me?

There's a big difference between consciously putting your brain in a jar in order not to overwhelm yourself and to take one step at a time to reach your goals and unconsciously leaving your brain in that jar until Spring. Although I'm a Bear, I've already stated in "A Time for Balance" here that I don't have the luxury of hibernation this time of year and even though I may feel SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because of it, that doesn't mean I can't walk twice a day, work out at night and put the ice cream away once I've eaten my designated half-carton rather than putting it ALL away in my stomach (which I've done a few times as of late, and before you jump all over me for eating THAT MUCH ICE CREAM before going to bed, it's sugar free, low-calorie, and I was still losing weight eating it when I was doing right by myself before and I will again).

I was going to skip blogging about this weigh-in since I'd already 'fessed up about Saturday's weight gain and hoped that walking, working out and watching what I was eating this week would make a difference and put me at a plateau when I weigh in tomorrow. But that would be more "cheating," and if I can't be honest with myself, I shouldn't even be writing this blog because sharing my struggles and successes with like-minded people for mutual support and enjoyment was the impetus for blogging in the first place, and although I like to joke about hibernation, I've kept myself asleep in the dark long enough.

So, time (if not light) permitting, I'm back to walking five miles a day (a half-walk's all my sleep and work schedule allow me in the morning), going to the gym six times a week (Fridays off for good behavior), and if I fall asleep before my evening snack like I did last night, all the better for tomorrow's weigh-in. Now, where are those resolutions I wrote a couple months ago for surviving the darker, colder months? There they are...

Saturday Night Weigh-In: Getting my Bearings (Two Weeks and Two Days Later)

Hello, gentle readers. It's a little after 11 pm here on Monday night so I'm even starting this blog entry two days later than its title, but I haven't blogged in awhile and wanted to give a brief synopsis of recent events leading to my most recent weigh-in (yes, two weeks and days late). When we last left the Big Bear, he was trying his best to maintain his sanity rather than weight loss and workout routines in struggling to finish his remaining duties before leaving his current place of employment. The day after my last weekly weigh-in of 329 pounds, when I found five of the six pounds I previously lost, I came home to find a voicemail from a staffing service asking if I was available for a senior level executive assistant position with a local university, but it was too late to respond that day. After enjoying a Halloween-themed baby shower on Saturday for the pregnant blogger who inspired me to start this blog and seeing Paranormal Activity (the movie; not actual activity) on Sunday, I returned their call on Monday, was told someone was being sent out on Tuesday and if she didn't work out, I would still be considered for the position.

Upon calling back Wednesday, they needed me to start tomorrow. This left me in the rather awkward position of having to explain to the four women in my department during my farewell lunch that not only would I have to leave two days early to start my new job, I also had to leave early two hours after said lunch for my last doctor's appointment covered by health insurance scheduled to lapse on Halloween! I had a delicious BBQ rib and chicken combo plate, received a card and gift card to Barnes and Noble, made the announcement which was thankfully accepted with kindness and understanding, did my best to straighten up my desk and affairs before leaving at 3:30, and got a clean bill of health from my doctor: blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol were great, keep up the good work and see you in four months, hopefully with renewed insurance. I went home, climbed into bed and slept in prep for the next day.

First. Days. SUCK! I took notes and tried to comprehend my new duties because my supervisor would be out the next day and starting her new position elsewhere on Monday, and after struggling with all this new input, I went home, ate dinner and embraced the oblivion of sleep. I welcomed the weekend with open arms, getting some new books and having a celebratory dinner with a good friend on Friday, having lunch with my mom and taking her to see Paranormal Activity on Saturday afternoon (glad I'd seen it already because she became nauseous a half-hour in due to the jerky camera movements and we left), and going to the home of a co-worker (who opted for early retirement and left a week earlier than me) to celebrate Halloween. She is an excellent cook: the fondue with Texas toast for dipping, pork tenderloin and potatoes she prepared were delicious and the candy was as good to me as it was to the trick-or-treaters. I opted not to celebrate the Witches' sabbat of Samhain and ring in the Celtic New Year this time, but I had a great time with my two friends and went to bed after the witching hour that night with a smile on my face.

After an extra hour of sleep on Sunday, I traveled to Queens for a meeting of the Bear Den, a social group for Bears that I've attended since its inception this April. I dressed up as a pirate as I was one in a previous incarnation according to one of my past life regressions. I don't think I quite looked like this back on the Barbary coast, but I felt good about my choice of costume:

Blackbear(d) the Pirate

Pirate's Booty (Bear Head and Crossbones! Grrr! Aargh!)

After the Den, I piled three other Bears into my car and headed over to the Eagle, a revered leather bar in Manhattan, for an evening with the BigMuscleBears (a website for, you guessed it, big muscle Bears who like to add stats like arm and chest width to their profiles). I spent $2 checking my leather jacket, $5 on a diet coke and stood around with said friends for two hours chatting, Bearwatching and actually feeling comfortable for the first time ever in a gay bar until a really cool cloud of white smoke came billowing from the DJ's booth that soon made it hard to breathe, stung the tongue to taste and effectively cleared the room! I took this as a good sign to drive the two hours home and get some sleep, a melancholy return to the Real World after a fun weekend or vacation that I forlornly call "falling back up the rabbit hole."

The next work week was daunting. I received a campus ID but as a "casual employee" (temp) I am unable to use it to enter the building I work in; missed the timesheet deadline by a day and therefore won't receive my first check by mail until this Saturday (hopefully); and was unable to find free parking anywhere. When I tried to work with the Parking Department to get a permit and have the fees deducted from my pay on a sliding scale, the staffing service wouldn't agree to it so I am partially working to just afford to park at work. During a meeting with an IT technician, my supervisor also made it clear that he wanted my computer configured so that I, who was there to "help out for a couple of weeks," and whoever will replace me will be able to use the computer for their clerkship. All week I did my job, went home, had a nice meal, put my brain in a jar to relax until the next day, enjoyed a bit more ice cream at night than usual, got plenty of rest and left my exercise and eating habits on hold for awhile.

When this weekend arrived and I had no plans, I knew it was time to get back on track, which was where I was thinking about this latest blog entry during my second full walk on Saturday right before going to the gym for my workout and weigh-in. I originally thought about "getting back on the horse," but a memory made that analogy rather inappropriate. During my orientation week for college in 1988, us new students were invited to a local resort for a meet and greet picnic complete with swimming pools, group games and horseback riding. For reasons still fresh from high school (see my "Fitting In at Planet Fitness" entry for more details), I opted for the latter of the three, but much like seats in theatres and on certain amusement park rides, there is an element of risk in attempting to enjoy such things and discovering you don't quite fit and I was told in no uncertain terms by the horse wrangler that I would not be saddling up that day. So instead of getting back on the horse, I am getting my bearings; much more apropos for a blog such as this.

After walking seven miles and doing a full upper body circuit, I stepped on the scale and faced the music. 333 pounds, people. Gained four pounds over the past two weeks, about two pounds a week, and I now weigh one pound more than I did when I started this blog. I gave myself a vacation from exercising and eating less for a couple of weeks as part of having fun during a time of great stress, gained about two pounds a week (which is generally what physicians recommend you lose a week), and as of the end of this blog entry I have done at least a full walk and a circuit at the gym every day since Saturday and will resume my Thursday weigh-ins this week. Since my new job feels more manageable now, it's time to get back to the Good Work I've been doing for myself, and even though I'm not a big muscle Bear (yet) and don't feel the need to go horseback riding again anytime soon, I think my Bear butt looked pretty darn good in those boxers!